If a measure of distance from the herd is the price, so be it. If a volatile career is the price, so be it. I will not surrender my ferocity for a small gain in security. I am not a child. I am not a herd animal. I am a hobopoet.
I will go where my bliss... where my whim takes me. I will not surrender my freedom, nor my autonomy, nor my fury. I will not be obedient. I will not submit to slavery. I will not be told what to do. I will not adjust... I will not lead another persons life in the name of maturity. I will not do the officially sanctioned responsible thing. This is my life and I will own it.
I, and I alone, am responsible for it. I desire no control over others and will accept no authority
over me. This is the decision I made three years ago... on a mountaintop in Shiura village. I vowed never again to compromise my bliss for the sake of appearance, acceptance, responsibility, money, or public opinion. It is a vow I have kept and one I will continue to keep.
Japan is a wonderful place. I am hopelessly in love with its people. But Japan is not the problem. The problem is that I tried to cheat my vow. I tried to snigger around it for the sake of quick cash and job security. I was thinking, --$1000 dollars a month saved!--. I was thinking, --$12,000 dollars after one year--. I was thinking, --I can endure a year of authority and wage slavery.. just one year... in order to buy several years of freedom afterwards--.
I thought I could negotiate with my bliss. I thought I could soothe my ferocity. Just for a year, I
thought I could cheat on my vow. I was wrong.
Dead wrong. Not only was I wrong, I was a fool. The hobopoet path must be walked with a warriors heart. No surrender, no fear, no hesitation..... No bargaining with ones bliss. Alan Watts reminds us that failure of nerve is really failure to trust oneself. Facing the end of easy money, I lost my nerve.
But the heart and spirit correct the folly of the mind. I squirm during every staff meeting. I bite
my tongue to hold back defiant arguments. I smile to hide my sneer. I grit my teeth. My muscles tense. Faced with bosses, authority, control, rules, orders... every fiber of my body rouses for a fight. Something has been unleashed that will never be caged again. I did more than make a vow three years ago. I forever abandoned a normal life.