Saturday, May 03, 2003

Hobovan Journal: 7/10/02

Jessica was killed yesterday-- her and her two children died in a car accident. I keep picturing Heather, her precious daughter Heather-- who was angelic and looked so much like Jessica. Baby Benjamin was very little when I last saw him.

I was the last time I saw Jessica too-- I have delayed calling her since I returned home... because... because I felt embarassed by my inability to stick out the full year in Japan and embarassed by my homelessness, and embarassed by my hopeless irresponsibility-- which caused her so much frustration when we dated. So I didn't call.

Now I can only remember back to our last meeting... she seemed happy... and I admired her happiness. She was a fantastic Mom. In that last meeting I glimpsed the life I gave up.

2pm: I reek of "I"-- me, me, me, me, me, me, me... every thought drips of it... every motive draws from it. My first girlfriend is dead as are her two children... but every thought starts with "I".

9pm: In Athens now. I feel alone. I cant get Heather out of my mind. She was so much like Jess. She had Jess' sweet exuberance. She had her cheeks-- the kind you want to kiss or squeeze. She was curious and she was gentle. This can't be real. I still think Ill be able to talk to her again... I wish I could change this, make it better, escape it... anything. I can't comprehend that I'll never talk to her again. We'll never email or write.

I keep moving-- like a caged animal trying to escape. I walked the UGA campus. I visited Oglethorpe Hall where Jess and I stayed our first years in college. I went to the Tate Center-- remember the many meetings we attended there. I remember her in her blue dress.. she was beautiful. When I remember Jessica I always picture her smiling.

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