Chaos

by Skald

I have this addiction to chaos. I love it when Im a bit anxious. Its a sickness, okay. But it works for me. And the older I get, the more I need what upsets me, shocks me, makes me squirm, or get angry. The older I get, the more I value what forces me to take a second look. The more I respect people who dont automatically respect me.

Chaos does this amazing thing that order can't: it engages you. It gets right in your face and with freakish breath issues a challenge. It asks stuff of you, order never will. And it shows you stuff, all the weird shit, that order tries to hide. Chaos is the only thing that honestly wants you to grow. The only friend who really helps you be creative. Demands that you be creative.

-- Dan Wieden

I have the same addiction. After a short "what have I done?" moment... I find that the chaos and uncertainty of my situation is incredibly motivating and inspiring.

Im free. Free! Free with all the euphoria and fear that state brings. Euphoric to be master of my own fate again. Scared shitless because now I actually have to DO something.. not just talk and complain.

This is as it should be. For far too long Ive cast myself in a resistence role... embedded in one lumbering bureaucratic system after another-- raging at the machine. Ive learned plenty from these experiences but its easy to take shots at these organizations. And in the end, it accomplishes little.

While opposition, subversion, destruction, and unlearning may be the first steps- eventually youve got to create something.

Professional critics, after all, are loathesome creatures. They are usually people who are too timid to write their own book, make their own movie, or create their own program (ouch, guilty as charged!).

For a while, Ive been one of them. I copped out... settled into the critics role of "I know better than them". That may be true, but who cares?

The question that matters is, "Can I DO better than them?"

And that remains to be seen.